I always wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember...I dreamed about it, fantasized about it, and wished it would happen as soon as possible.
I wished and wished that I would find a man to share my life with and to build a family with...I also thought that if I didn't find someone by the time I was twenty-eight, I would just make Mama-life happen on my own.
At twenty-five I met my husband ballroom dancing where he swept me off my feet...
When I finally became a mom at thirty, my world felt complete - a lifelong dream of mine had finally come true.
I loved my pregnancy - I felt great and I looked hot! I actually lost weight during my pregnancy (please don't hate me for it - it's the only time in my life I have never struggled with my weight...it was nice to have a little break).
Anyways...back to motherhood.
It's amazing when you have an idea in your head how something is going to go and in reality it's a whole other story.
Here is are a few things I thought I'd be as a mother:
Hanging out all the time with my friends who also had children
Planning arts and crafts and fun lessons
Making clothes for them (I went to school for fashion design) I figured I would design and make clothes for my kids...maybe even make myself a matching outfit!
I would run around and have so much time and energy to be with them
After my daughter was born it was pretty close to what I thought...we went for walks often (even in the cold snowy days in January), I read a lot of books and articles about children's development and played games and activities to help her learn.
I took a crazy amount of pictures and posted them often...the only thing that didn't happen was the matching outfits *laugh*. I was in the middle of becoming a Master Empowerment Coach...so I did school work when she napped.
Everything seemed to being going well...yes, we had some moments of crazy, but I felt like the mom I thought I would always be...until our daughter reached the age of 18 months and that was when we decided we would start trying for our second child.
We couldn’t help but think “life is perfect”...she is sleeping, becoming her own little person BUT we knew we wanted more than one and we wanted them to be no more than 3 years apart.
So, we were super-blessed to get pregnant right away...and with a boy! The million dollar family!!
My pregnancy was pretty great again expect this time I also had a toddler to take care of. So when I was tired I couldn't just nap. Plus I still had school work to do.
Oh boy were things different...I ended up having a C-section, so I had to take it easy for the first little while.
On the plus side this little boy slept like a champ...at least at first.
We were blown away at how awesome it was.
Our daughter was a little different (because that's how babies and kids are - different!) She would wake up every couple of hours and she co-slept a lot...she never really slept in her crib. However, she did start sleeping through the night around 6 months.
So, when our son started out sleeping 5 hours in a row right out of the womb...I was like awesome!! And he slept in his crib right away!!
However, that 5-hour straight got shorter, not longer...he was waking up often...just before he turned 2 he was still waking up 2-3 time a night, sometimes even 4...I was going crazy, like really crazy.
So the mom I thought I'd always be was gone...in her place was a worn out, exhausted women trying to hold it together...forget about the planning, cleaning, hanging out with friends...I barely knew my own name some days...I was just trying to survive and keep my kids alive.
Oh - did I mention I was also starting an international coaching company?
Now that I'm over the hump of no sleep...I can reflect on the mom I have been and who I thought I'd be.
I could hate myself, beat myself up and regret how I parented over the past couple years...however that won't change anything.
The funny thing is we don't always see the lesson or the bigger picture when we are in the middle of crazy situations...the things I've learned about myself, my husband, and the strength of a deeper bond we’ve developed wouldn't have happened if we didn't have to weather the storm these past couple years.
Parenthood isn't always easy, in fact most of the time it's down-right hard.
Don't make it harder by beating yourself up with "I should’ve done that" or "I could have been this".
Stop. Breathe. Give yourself a hug. Breathe.
You can't change that past but you can change the way you move into the future and how you are going to be in this present moment.
Who do you want to be?
How do you want to feel?
In this moment YOU get to choose!!